During the past 5 years, I’ve met many people with autoimmune diseases. Most of the ones I’ve had a chance to really speak to, had some kind of deep pain or hurt, a traumatic experience, or a series of traumatic events that may (or may not) have triggered their illness.
It made me think, how much of this physical illness is actually linked to our emotional and spiritual state? As much as we say it doesn’t, how much of our past events define us and shape us?
If you guys read My Health & Wellness Story blog post, I spoke a little bit about how I had zero self love and self respect. As a matter of fact, I hated myself. I hated my life. I was extremely depressed and suicidal. It’s truly a miracle that I’m still alive. (Will share this in another post.) I constantly felt sorry for myself and asked “What did I do to deserve this?” I asked myself every breathing moment, “What was the point of me even being born? I wish I was dead.” In an attempt to numb myself out, I became an alcoholic for 10 years. I just couldn’t stand being sober. I couldn’t live with myself.
It was like putting a bandaid on a huge open cut pretending like it wasn’t there but the wound was getting worse and infected.
It didn’t help that I was in many physically and verbally abusive relationships. It got to the point where I’ve accepted that I probably deserved it. The black and blues, getting things thrown at me, being thrown out of a moving vehicle, bones being fractured, etc. Besides, I’ve been bullied, lied to, cheated on, backstabbed, and raped. Getting physically beat was the easy part.
These events were clearly too much for me to bear in my teen years. I was too young to understand what was happening. I was traumatized. I was scared. But I wasn’t going to let people see my weakness. Instead, I became a very angry and bitter person.
My journey to healing began on an afternoon in July of 2015. I had just gotten back from a retreat and I was really tired. (I started attending church randomly but that story is for another day.) I went into one of those half awake/half asleep naps and started dreaming. In my dream, I had just woken up frantically when I realized I was lying down on an operating table. Instantly, I knew that I was getting surgery on my heart. It was extremely bright in the operating room. There was a man standing over me but I couldn’t see his face because it was so bright as if I was looking right into the sun. He was holding me down firmly and in a voice I have never heard before (wasn’t a regular human voice, I can’t explain it), he said “Don’t worry, I’m working on your heart.”
It was revealed to me during the next couple of months that not only was I physically sick but I was actually very spiritually and emotionally sick as well. I was holding onto a decade worth of self hatred, insecurities, trauma, fear, guilt, shame, stress, anxiety, anger, bitterness, unforgiveness, and more. It finally made sense. It was no wonder why I was so sick. I couldn’t forgive others and I couldn’t forgive myself. I was still living in the past. I couldn’t let go of what happened to me. You know that feeling deep inside the pit of your stomach when you think about all the people who have wronged you, all the crap you’ve been through? How much shame, anger, bitterness, rejection, and resentfulness can you carry around before it starts to leak all over everything? In my case, it manifested into a full blown disease.
It wasn’t until I was able to forgive others and forgive myself that I was able to experience deep spiritual, emotional, and physical healing.
Forgiving someone or something is the most powerful form of healing. You allow yourself to let go and when you are able to let go, you are declaring that you are no longer defined by what happened to you. The event no longer controls you. It no longer has you captive. You are set free.
Is there anyone that you need to forgive today?
I am praying that by me sharing this with you, it will encourage you to seek the Lord for healing in all areas of your life. Ask Him to reveal to you what you are still carrying around with you til this day. And when He does reveal it, I pray that you'll be honest with yourself and let yourself face the pain. Surrender it to the Lord.
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”
“But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds, declares the Lord”
Praying healing over your life,
Taken from my wellness blog - Originally published 3/24/2017